I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
