My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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