I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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