happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
