Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
