Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Just cropdusted the office
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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