I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
