Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
