i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
