Sry I called you an 8
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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