cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
