I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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