Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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