I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
