i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Randomize
