My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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