Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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