I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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