he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Congratulations! We have a period
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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