I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
