I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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