I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
