my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
