sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
