You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
