Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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