So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
