I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
