we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
