when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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