Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
