i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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