i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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