I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
