mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
