I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
