I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
