i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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