sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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