I just pynch a tree in the face
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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