My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
