At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
