drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
