Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
