Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
