So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
