im drinking this country out of the recession.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
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