so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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