yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
