My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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