My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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