I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Your cock deserves a montage
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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